From the vaults...before JPD was JPD...
I would have to dig out the originals (I still have them) and confirm the date stamp, but I'm pretty sure I was eighteen in this photo. I searched old photos out because I'm trying to connect to the characters in my new book, who are in the 17-19 years old. In some ways, we were still babies, weren't we? In other ways, we were adults...working full time jobs, earning money, excited to finally be "real" adults in an adult world. If I could go back, and do it all again, would I do things differently?
YES. GOD, YES.
What would I do differently? EVERYTHING. I would not have been as timid toward the world, and taking chances with life changes. I probably would have tried to afford college, although God knows how; I hadn't the luxury of parental or family help. I was working full time at the age of seventeen, two weeks after graduation, and I have ever since. I think I would have given more thought to who I was; I neither denied nor admitted I was gay, and this is the honest truth...I never thought about it. It was never something that concerned me or stunted my self-identity. I've always just been...me; I never felt the need to "figure things out." When I was twenty-two, and Andy came along, I finally did, but never searched for answers.
What about Andy? Would I want to go back, do things all over, without allowing him into my life? I honestly don't know. His love for me stunted my own growth as an adult, because his love language was taking care of me; so, in some ways, I never matured until my early thirties. I always knew who I was, and was always fiercely independent, but I allowed him to take control of so many little things because it made him happy to do them, and I wanted to make him happy. What I learned from those eight years is that, whether you realize it or not, or even want to or not, you lose a part of yourself when you're with someone. It's not a choice, and it's not situational; everyone does, and those who say they don't have never been faced with rediscovering who they are after that person is gone. But you DO lose a big part of yourself...or, rather, you GIVE up a part of yourself, and you do it freely, because you're part of an "us," not just a "me." It's natural, it's normal...but often, it can be harmful, with no one intending it to be. On a positive note, I also became the person I am today because of Andy, not in spite of him. He's the only person who ever loved me completely, without question, without conditions; it was real, it was true, and I have always considered myself one of the very rare souls who had that the FIRST time; most do not, and have a series of heartbreaks and bad experiences before finding something real. For whatever reason, divine providence gave that gift to me the very first time. I believe that is why, over two decades later, I'm still mourning his loss. To find that kind of love again is statistically, well...most probably impossible.
What else would I try and do differently? I would have tried to find ways to fulfill dreams I had, much earlier than I did. We all have them. I would have embraced fitness MUCH earlier, as I was never a very confident person when it came to my appearance. I would have worked on giving myself the head-to-toe body transformation in my twenties, instead of waiting until my mid-thirties and forties to get serious about it. I came to it late, but I still DID, so that is something. Maybe I needed other things in life to happen before I was ready.
Another thing I would have started doing MUCH earlier is writing. I’ve always loved writing, and was writing when I was still in high school, but I never had the confidence to just run forward with it. Again…perhaps I wasn’t in the life-space I needed to be in, yet. I do believe things happen for a reason, when you’re ready…but I wish I had allowed myself the time and self-encouragement to take writing seriously, years ago.
Lastly, and this is the most important thing…I would not have spent so many years of my thirties and forties worrying about and/or wishing to find love again. I agonized over it for years, feeling as if my life was on hold until had found that missing piece of it. It took many years…well over a decade, of being alone to do that inner work, rediscover who I was, what I wanted, what I did not, and finally understanding another person would never make me “whole.” I also realized that, if I was going to find someone one day, I needed to become the kind of person I wanted to attract. Most people never have this epiphany, and spend years searching for the wrong thing or attracting the wrong kind of person because they haven’t figured out the difference between “want” and “need,” and then focused on what of both they REALLY wanted and needed, and whether or not they are capable of bringing those same things to a relationship. I realized that, if you want someone to bring certain things to the table, you had better be capable of doing the same. Differences are important too, but most people focus on those too much, thinking the “opposites attract” nonsense means it’s right. I’ve learned it’s the person who shares more traits with you who is the person you’re going to have a much longer and better future with. That’s an age and wisdom thing; getting what you “want” is almost always not what you really “need.”
This was an on-the-fly mish-mosh of thoughts, so apologies for its randomness. Sometimes, I have so many thoughts, I have to get them on paper in order to sort them out. But then again, I AM a writer…
Wow. I love being able to say that. I think the eighteen year old me would be proud of me…
