Sexual Compatibility – It Isn’t What it Should Be
I’ve been single for a long time, and there is a reason for that; it’s called a lack of compatibility. Once you reach a certain age, and place in your life, you become both more, and less tolerant of certain things. One thing I've become less tolerant of is the narrow-mindedness many gay men have when it comes to their idea of compatibility. Frustrated by this, I'm going to explore a much under-discussed topic...prepare yourself!
Straight men and women have it much easier than gay men do; they only have to worry about an overall compatibility, and if they are smart, they seek a partner who is NOT an opposite, but a similar soul who compliments and understands them. Still difficult, but certainly not impossible.
Now, let’s talk about gay men…an entirely different compatibility game, with entirely different rules. During my years spent alone, I’ve gotten to know myself VERY well. I’ve also chatted with countless guys…and it always ends up going nowhere, but it’s not from a lack of me trying. It comes down to a lack of compatibility…and there are two types; emotional, and physical. The single biggest reason so many gay men are single and remain that way is because, as a culture, they have not evolved enough to find a way to compromise on the two.
Emotional compatibility – This should be the more difficult of the two, because everyone is wired differently, and it IS difficult. As mentioned before, I have talked with countless guys over the years, and there is rarely a grey area…and I always know within the first few text messages back and forth. You either have a connection with someone, or you don’t. For the ones you don’t, it’s no big deal…cut losses and move on. The frustrating situations are when you DO have a connection…a REALLY good one, but it STILL ends up not going anywhere, and almost always, it’s because of a lack of “physical” compatibility. Let me explain…
“Tops,” “Bottoms,” “Pitchers,” “Catchers,” “Givers,” “Receivers”…these are the most common terms to define a gay man’s sexual “role” or “position.” And to many gay men, it matters. A LOT. Now, I can understand that…to a degree. It would be wonderful to think every “top” will find a compatible “bottom,” all the other compatibility marks will line up and create the perfect pairing of two people…but let’s be honest and fair; that’s asking an awful lot…and here’s why…
Based on my own experience over the years on dating sites and apps, the ratio of “tops” and “bottoms” is extremely skewed. I don’t have clinical statistics on this, but I would confidently guess that for every “top,” there are perhaps ten “bottoms”…and that number could even be higher. There are simply not enough “Yings” for all of the “Yangs.” In a culture that is so hard wired to focus on sex over almost any other touchstone of compatibility, it’s little wonder so many gay men are still single, adrift, and remain so. Now, don’t get me wrong; sexual compatibility IS important, but the trouble with gay men is they are very narrow-minded when it comes to sex, roles, positions, and how compatible two men could be if, God forbid, they both identified as “top” or, in the more likely case, both identify as “bottoms.” Some of the problem is culture-pressure; many gay men are just under the assumption that things “won’t work” if they find someone who is not “opposite” them…and to be honest, I used to be one of them. Even today, to a degree, sexual compatibility is still a thing I consider when swiping right or left…but I’m finding it much less important. Look, if I like a guy’s profile, what they have to say, or if they have many of the same interests, seem to be on the same plane, or even if they contain some of the physical attributes I find attractive, I may be much more likely to swipe right, or match to them. For me, it’s an OVERALL compatibility that matters more, and shouldn’t that be the way we think to begin with? If you’re in a relationship with someone, and you love them, and have great chemistry and compatibility, the percentage of time you’re going to spend in the bedroom is a fraction compared to the rest of the time you’re spending together, as a couple. I have met several men who could, and would have made wonderful partners for me, if they had focused more on the bigger picture and were interested enough and willing to invest their time into me, and the relationship. If the physical and sexual attraction is there, couldn’t the rest be discussed and worked out? There are SO many different things two people can do behind closed doors that are pleasurable…why don’t gay men lighten up on the rules a little and give one another a better chance?
My first, and longest relationship lasted eight years, and technically, he and I both would have been classified as “Sides.” This is a fairly new classification in gay culture; it’s been around forever, but only within the last several years become more prominent in both definition and acceptance. In short, a “side” is a gay man who is neither a “bottom” or “top,” as they are not into, or require penetrative sex. And it’s not as strange as many gay men would think. If the definition of a virgin, in gay culture, is a man who has never had penetrative sex, then technically, I was a virgin until I was thirty years old. The eight year relationship I was in never had one moment of penetrative sex…and I didn’t feel as if I was missing a thing, because we were so compatible as people, and loved one another so much, the rest didn’t matter. In fact, we were both very green, it was a first relationship for both of us, and we actually had a discussion one night about it, very early on in the relationship. We were laying in bed and we talked about it; neither of us felt comfortable with penetrative sex, so together we decided it was something we didn’t need in the bedroom. Our sex was “Frottage,” which is basically regular sex, except without penetration. And it was wonderful. It felt great, it was hot, and fun, and we were intimate quite a lot. I preferred being the “bottom” when it came to position, but aside from the lack of penetration, our sex was just like anyone else’s. It wasn’t until my next relationship that I was finally exposed to penetrative sex, and although it IS pleasurable, it has always proven to be discomforting to me, too. That could be due to the infrequency of it (my second relationship was NOT a compatible one, despite the sexual compatibility) but in hindsight, I could have had another non-penetrative sexual relationship and still been just as fulfilled. For me, and for many gay men, it’s the emotional bond that is what makes the physical bond work; if the love is REALLY there, the sex just seems to come easier, and better, because you love the person so much; it becomes more about being intimate with the other person, versus who is going to take what position.
Oh, just so I don't leave anyone out, there is also a fourth classification known as "Versatile" or just "Vers," and in their defense, there are many guys out there who truly are versatile in the bedroom and enjoy both "roles"...but they ARE more rare, and honestly, 9/10 of the guys who claim to be versatile are bottoms and just using versatile as their descriptive because they're either ashamed of being known as a bottom, or they are trying to cast a wider net with a "grey area" moniker. Don't believe me? Poll a room full of gay men; I'm pretty sure their opinions will mirror my own. Some things just are the way they are, folks.
Recently, I ran across a profile on a dating app of a guy who was adamant that he was looking for the overall connection and didn’t care whether the person identified as top or bottom; he was clear that anyone who felt it was important was not for him. And that got me thinking. A LOT. I decided to follow his example and removed my own “arrow” symbols from my dating profiles. A lot of men (myself included) will automatically swipe otherwise decent, compatible guys in the discard pile the second they see an arrow that doesn’t work for them.
I’m an author, a writer of gay, romantic fiction. Admittedly, in my books, I usually assign a sexual role to the two main characters, not because I believe that’s the only way two men can be together, but because it’s easier to write the intimacy itself, and it’s also more expected from readers. However, a LOT of the intimacy in my books is based on my own experiences, so there is a lot of Frottage, or perhaps oral sex…the pages and scenes are hot, but definitely not all just a “stick it in and do it” kind of sex. Some of the hottest sex I’ve written in my novels involves no penetration whatsoever, because it’s more about the emotional connection, the attraction between the two characters, and the love expressed…and I like that, and I’m proud of it.
As I get older, I won’t lie; sexual intimacy is still something I myself crave in a future partner, and relationship; however, I’ve also matured, evolved, and come to understand that successful relationships require a higher level of overall compatibility…the emotional connection, shared interests and passions, the physical attraction, those wonderful butterflies, the ability to just lie in bed together talking or laughing or being silly....the hugs, kisses, tactile affection…all of those things are MUCH more important to me than whether the guy is a top, bottom, or side, for that matter. I truly feel in my heart that, if the feelings are there, you think about that person all the time because they are just amazing to you, you get dizzy tummy when you hear their voice, and smile when you see their face…THOSE are the things that are the most important, because those are the things that are more rare, and REALLY matter. If I could find THAT kind of connection with someone, the sex? We will find a way to work that out, because we will want to.
I think that, if gay men are going to ever collectively find their soulmates, they need to start thinking, and looking, outside the painfully constraining boxes that gay culture has established and instead focus on the PERSON, not the position. Hopefully, one day, I will find a guy who feels the same way I do, we check off all the boxes for one another, and we can help break the “incompatibility” cycle. If you’re out there, please find your way to me…