People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love…they have become so used to being single, independent, and self-sufficient, that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life…
“I would have married you, you know…”
I heard those words back in 2001. They have haunted me every day since, and will continue to haunt me every new day, for the rest of my life. They say you spend your adulthood trying to escape, and then finally just cope with, childhood traumas. But the traumas don’t stop once you’re an adult; new, adulthood traumas occur, and then suddenly you have those to deal with, too.
I had true love, once…the very first time. I’ve always considered myself lucky the first time really was true love; most aren’t so lucky. It was this love who also said they would have married me…but it didn’t happen. The second time around, I thought it was true love, but it was the farthest from it. But, when it’s new, you see things differently than you do later, when it’s a few years old. Wanting to get my life back on track, and believing this was “the one,” I purchased rings; he had no money, because he was an irresponsible child on the inside…I would discover this very early on and try and make things work for five years…but at the time, I thought he was worth it. I bought both of us matching yellow gold and diamond cluster rings…I still have them, in fact. I used to wear mine, from time to time, until a friend pointed out that I should probably not, since the ring was now tied to bad karma, and although still shiny and pretty, it was forever linked now to a failed relationship and a person who was never really worthy of my heart in the first place. I had settled the second time around. It’s funny how you don’t realize that in the beginning; depending on how patient, forgiving, or naïve you are, it can take months, or even years before you have that epiphany…but if you settled, it will happen, sooner or later. They will say or do something that snaps you awake and in your mind, or sometimes audibly, you will stop and say, “WAIT…wait a minute!” And that’s when you know, and it’s never the same after that. You realize how horrible they treat you, disrespect you, and selfishly only think of their own wants and needs. Once you know you deserve better, and the person you’re with is NOT the person you thought them to be, you just want things to be over and done with, because you know you have a journey to embark on, one you have to do alone, and that person is just dead weight…dead, fat, sitting on their ass weight, pulling you down, and you can’t begin your journey of self-discovery, find out who you are, what you are meant to be, and become, with dead weight around your ankles. So, you cut them loose.
And then you’re suddenly on your own again. An over time, you will encounter, chat with, maybe even meet other new people…and with each one of them, your optimism tells you that maybe they could be the one…maybe they fit your physical requirements…maybe they look good on paper…but then, one after one…after one…after one…over and over…they all disappoint you. At first you are bitter, and become cynical. Then you’re reminded by well-intentioned, well-meaning friends not to give up, the “right” person is out there, keep the faith…blah, blah, bullshit…we’ve heard it all before. One too many times, before. But we still maintain some hope. Then time marches on. Year after year goes by, and suddenly, you realize you have been optimistic, and patient, for fourteen years. But in that time, something amazing has happened; you have finally come to know YOU. Your optimism is replaced with pragmatism…your patience wanes, as you become more self-aware, more independent, more confident. You no longer care as much about being patient for the “right one” to come along…because after fourteen years, you start to realize that your maturity and self-awareness starts to demand that mystical “right one” less and less. Why? Because you have already found someone who treats you well…YOU. You have that one person you can always count on, and never lets you down…YOU. And you realize you do have one special, unique person in your life that gives you love, support, confidence, stability, who makes you feel whole…and that person is YOU.
A few years ago, just for fun, I did a web search; I have said for years, if I ever was to be proposed to, I would want a two carat emerald cut…and he would know that well ahead of time, because I hate surprises of any kind…he could actually pick the ring, so long as my criteria were met. As long as I’ve waited, I felt I deserved what I wanted. The first place the web search took me was to the Tiffany site, and like fate, there was my ring. A year later, when I was writing “Lost Souls,” as writers usually do, I wrote that engagement ring into the story…but I never forgot about it. A few weeks ago, fate again intervened, and I found an exact replica of that Tiffany ring, but at a much more affordable price…and it got me thinking…why shouldn’t I? Why should I wait, perhaps years, perhaps forever, and never find someone, never be proposed to, and never get married? At this stage of my life, despite what the wonderful people who care about me say, including all the canned and useless adages…”Good things come to those who wait”…”It will happen when you least expect it”…”The right person is out there”…I’ve heard them all a million times before, told myself the same optimistic, but empty gushings of hope year after year after year…and then I found the ring and band I wanted and just said, “Fuck all of it…I’m doing this for ME.”
So, I did. Some may call me crazy. I call it strength. I call it bravery. I’m doing what I’ve already had to do for many years…taking control of my life, instead of waiting for someone else to decide my fate with a bended knee and a few chosen words.
Am I “marrying” myself? No. But instead, these little rocks will be a constant reminder to myself that I have battled, survived, overcome, and accomplished much, and I’ve done all of it on my own…no one gave me a ring because they love me…instead, I EARNED them, because I found a way to love myself. Since no one else would…I did it myself. Why wait? And if, someday, the mystical, imperfectly perfect “right one” ever DOES come along…he’ll have it easy. I’ll just point to these and say, “I already have my rings, so I'm good." If they want to buy me the ones from Tiffany & Co., they certainly may, but I won't be expecting anyone to. I already took care of me...
