"Hold onto your heart, step on the gas, and run through the red light. We have so little time..." - JPD
It came to me in the shower tonight, of all places…funny how some of the best ideas come to you in the shower…perhaps it’s the relaxed state your body is in…it encourages and promotes more stimulating thought.
I haven’t written anything for a while…to be honest I couldn’t think of anything substantial enough to speak about, and then suddenly there it was…so here I am…
Valentine’s Day is upon us once again. God, how I deplore this day. I’ve never had a good one, not really. The only time I received flowers for Valentine’s Day (and only one in three times in my life I received them at all) was on what I call a “Swan Song” Valentine’s Day. The relationship, and that chapter of my life were quickly coming to a close, although at the time I didn’t know it. They were beautiful roses, in an array of pastels. A few photos were taken of them, but with black and white film, so unfortunately you lost the colors, but the photos were lovely, nonetheless. I honestly don’t know what happened to them; it’s not in my sentimental nature to have thrown them away, so they must be tucked away somewhere, perhaps in a keepsake “memories” box I don’t open anymore. I used to…every Valentine’s Day I would open the box and sort through cards, little love notes left on yellow Post-its, photographs, the menu for my first dinner party he attended, still scrolled and tied with a blue ribbon…just little things that would mean nothing to anyone but me. A few years ago, I decided to never enter the box again, especially on Valentine’s Day. I had forced myself to move on a long time ago, I really had…but with me, the heart sometimes fights with the mind to open doors, and the heart usually wins. For me, the turning point was when I pulled the box out that last time and as looked at its contents, I realized I wasn’t doing it because I missed the person themselves as much anymore (I still do, of course, terribly), but over time the wound has healed, and what I still missed was the idea of what we had that was now long gone. So, nostalgic trips down memory lane were no longer necessary. I suppose when you spend as many years alone as I have, you have a LOT of time to yourself to think, and think deeply. You are able to sort things out, and when you don’t feel you have finished, you sort them out again, until you finally feel you have things right in your heart. For many years, the very thought of Valentine’s Day sent me into a tailspin bout of twenty-four depression…I used to do the silliest things…for a few years, I adopted a ritual of purchasing a heart shaped box of candy and bottle of wine. I would come home from work, lock myself in the bathroom and in silence, have a good, long, utterly pathetic, self pitying cry while I emptied the box of candy, washing it down with generous sips of wine…I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic…and eventually I would crawl to the bed and sleep off the sugary carb overdose and fatigue. Sure, it DOES sound ridiculous, but that sadistic ritual got me through a few rough February 14ths, especially because other things in my life were not really stellar; Valentine’s Day and being habitually single just made everything else more vivid. Hey…we all deal with things in our own way.
Anyway…after I had the revelation over the memory box ritual (I’m a Cancer…we’re all about traditions and rituals), I finally had to admit to myself that, for all intents and purposes, I was going to remain single and alone (in that sense of the word) for the rest of my life. Oh, I still believe in love…wholeheartedly…probably more than most people…however, the pragmatist in me must face up to the fact that if I have now been single for eleven years, my chances of finding someone will only grow more remote as I grow older…and maybe that’s okay…I mean, why the hell would I want to finally find someone at eighty? How cruel and pointless would that be? And even though I’m not thrilled about it, I have found peace within over it, and here’s why…because in all of these years of being alone (and I have written about this before), I have become the best version of myself I can be…or at least to date, since we are all of us in a constant state of evolution. I should be celebrating the person I have become, instead of feeling like I have failed in some way. I have come so far, and grown so much, since that Valentine’s Day long ago with the pastel roses. Back then, I had forgotten who I was…or perhaps, I had become so content with my life as I knew it that I wasn’t forced to push forward and realize my full potential as a person. Relationships can be horribly stifling, even if you don’t know it, and even if it’s a happy relationship…no harm is ever meant, but in the process of merging lives, you begin to identify more with the relationship and less with yourself as an individual. As your partner picks up slack for weaknesses you have, and you do the same, you lose the chance to develop those weaknesses, overcome them, and grow. When it’s only you, fighting against the world on your own, you don’t have much choice but to do things for yourself, even the things you aren’t good at. You figure it out, and eventually become, if not good at them, at least adept enough to survive. I suppose you could say that being single all of these years has been both the loneliest time in my life and the most liberating at the same time. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Today at the office, one of my coworkers came into my office and asked me if I had found the papers he had left on my desk. I replied to him, “Yes, I found your little valentine this morning when I came in.” He laughed and said, “I hope that isn’t the only valentine you receive,” and I laughed and assured him it was. He said, “No…come on…there must be somebody…” and I told him no, not in eleven years. When he asked me why, I told him that I have yet to find someone worthy enough. It was the first time I had said that out loud. At first I was afraid it made me sound horrible or shallow or lofty, but I thought on it some more and realized that no, I have just become so comfortable with ME, so self aware, that I know exactly what I want, what I don’t, what will work, and what won’t. That has also come from the years of being alone and the countless hours of soul searching. I was becoming my best self, so that I could find someone who has taken that same journey and become their best self who won’t be intimidated by my opinionated, independent nature, but welcome it. I won’t allow myself to settle, just like I wouldn’t ever want a person who felt as if they had settled by choosing me, either. The only thing more dismal than eleven Valentine’s Days alone is the idea of two people in a relationship who didn’t value one another’s worth, or their own.
So, even though I still detest Valentine’s Day in theory…for all that I have grown and accumulated wisdom, I’m still allowed to be a wee bit humorously bitter over the day…this year I am not going to allow it to reduce me to a sobbing sap, slumped in the corner of my bathroom floor, gobbling dark chocolate out of a red satin box, wondering "What is wrong with me?" I’m still going to drag my feet a bit and do some heavy sighing, I’m sure…again, it’s a Cancer thing…we are ruled by our emotions and we get a little mopey in spite of ourselves…but it too, will pass. And I DO have a relationship to celebrate, and be proud of…the one I have fostered with myself. You have to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you properly, so…there it is.
If you have been lucky enough to be blessed with someone special, make sure you tell them and show them…God, make sure you tell them…but just the same, make damn sure they reciprocate the sentiment…don’t settle for one sided sentiments, or anything else, for that matter. If you’re single like me, pout about it a little if you need to, and then remember who you are…and give yourself a little love, because there is nothing wrong with you. You’re awesome, and just haven’t found the right person to recognize all the amazing gifts you have to offer them. Be patient…it can still happen, for any of us.
- JPD
