Better to Have Loved and Lost…
This entire story transpired in only two short weeks, but the feelings felt, and the deep admiration and love exchanged made it feel like months. Funny how time flies when you're having fun, and yet also seems to stand still, too, as you savor something so wonderful.
It began SO well. He found me on Facebook Dating. He “liked” me; I read his profile, thought him interesting, handsome, and “liked” him back. He lives in Philadelphia, so a few hours of distance separated us, but neither of us cared about that. We were both looking for certain qualities neither had yet found in someone. The chatting back and forth was different right from the beginning. It’s one of those once-in-a-million connections that is celestially perfect and only becomes more and more perfect with each successive message. The anticipation grows. You realize you are speaking with someone incredibly special. Guarded by a lifetime of love-letdowns, you find yourself doing what you thought almost impossible; you bring down that wall, not one brick at a time, but by knocking it over all at once, and with force. You WANT to let this person in. You WANT them to know everything about you, because they are being so transparent and honest themselves. People like that are rare, and gay men? Those qualities are rarest in them. Within a few days we had already graduated to exchanging phone numbers, moving our conversations there. We connected on Facebook and Instagram, shared photos and memories, hopes and joys, sadness, pain, and loss…we exchanged music…music that made one think of the other...
We were teenagers. Within days, the adjective “like” was no longer sufficient. I can’t remember who used “love” first, but we meant it; the emotions were too powerful, the connection too deep. We were falling for one another before even meeting in person. We kept joking back and forth how silly we were being…and he encouraged every single bit of it. He was SO confident this was a perfect match, he quickly made me believe it too, and with the wall down, the floodgates opened, and I poured my heart and soul into Ryan. In fact, SO much happened, in such a short period of time, it’s as if time itself began to stand still, and it was just him and me, in our own little bubble of bliss. Again, let me repeat; HE ENCOURAGED ALL OF THIS. This was not a case of me being head over heels and he remaining calm, cool, and collected, on a different plane, or at a different speed. His behavior was just as impetuous as mine, and we loved the ride we were on.
Everything was perfect. We were both convinced “this was it.”
And then the wind shifted...literally, overnight.
I’ve had my share of failed “Gay-lationships” to recognize that all-too familiar shift in the wind. For those of you who do not know, a “Gay-lationship” is the intense but short-lived connection two guys have that, more often than not, ignites, burns daylight bright, and then quickly fizzles out. Gay men are like that. Fickle. Shallow. Self-Absorbed. Non-committal. I have had dozens of these over the last fifteen years or so, and the majority of them last no longer than a week, at most. The average is just a few days. The guy gets bored because they are speaking to someone real, instead of some fantasy, or even more likely, someone shinier comes along, and they just disappear in order to chase after the newest toy.
Ryan wasn’t like that. He was kind, sweet, mature, intelligent, witty, and he thought I was wonderful. He made me feel beautiful again…wanted, happy, and best of all, hopeful. He gave me hope, and I did the same for him. We discussed that on several occasions. We both felt incredibly fortunate and blessed. Ryan checked every box, and I did the same for him. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that.
Okay…back to the shift in the wind. It happened on Halloween; he was meeting up with a few of his gay besties for drinks, and to catch up; something he said they did every few months. I became nervous; Ryan had already told his mother and a few close family members about me, and I sensed nothing but encouragement from them. The gay besties, however, put me on edge…and I’m convinced I was right to feel that way. I noticed a slight change in the rhythm of Ryan’s text messages later that afternoon. My guess? He had mentioned me, and how happy he was to them, and his friends had already begun to whisper doubts into his ear. Friends, in the interest of being protective and helpful, can often do terrible, and in this case, irreputable damage with their well-meaning but disastrous advice. Ryan spent several hours with them, finally crawling home around midnight. It is during the time spent with his friends that I believe he was cornered, counseled, and advised to hit the brakes and re-think the entire situation. It’s no coincidence his behavior changed overnight. I do not know what kind of objections the friends may have presented, but I’m certain they did.
The next morning, a cooler breeze was keenly felt; instead of the constant back and forth flurry of messages between us, Ryan’s replies were suddenly an hour or more apart. They were still enthusiastic, but with a restraint that had not previously existed. I chose to ignore it, attributing his behavior to the severe lack of sleep he had received the night before. Later that evening, after several hours of silence, I reached out to see if things were alright. He jokingly assured me all was well, that he was just tired…but I couldn’t shake the feeling I had. I’m highly intuitive, always have been, and with years of practice behind me from the plethora of “Gay-lationships” and the cooling off stage that comes on as fast as the initial “Hello,” I knew I was right. It didn’t take long to drag the truth out of him. He admitted that things had moved very fast and perhaps we had tossed the “L” word back and forth a little too soon, since we had not met in person yet. My sensory overload complete, I told him I was going to back off. My response was definitely not expected by him, although I don’t know what other response he could have anticipated. He said he was just trying to sort out both heart and mind, and I volunteered again that I didn’t WANT to back off, but cared too much to cause him any confusion as he soul-searched. He asked me if we could talk about it the next day, after he had time to “reflect.” I reassured him I was still there, would give him time, and speak to him the following day. The next afternoon he messaged and said he was still thinking about things and could we reconnect on Monday, instead? Already busy that weekend myself, I told him that was fine, and for him to reach back out whenever he was ready.
Very late that same night, I noticed Ryan had not only unfriended me from Facebook, but he had blocked me as well. Completely confused, I further discovered he had done the same on Instagram. I was deeply saddened, and couldn’t understand what would have prompted this kind of action; I had done nothing to provoke it, and to me it seemed like the quintessential social media “Fuck You.” I stewed all weekend and Monday, waited hopefully for him to reach out so we could talk.
He never did.
Monday evening, I sent him the last text message that, to my knowledge, he would see. I was upbeat, asked how his day had been, and inquired if we were going to chat that evening. I never received a response, but the message showed as being delivered. He must have blocked my phone number immediately after receiving my message, because a few evenings later, still looking for answers as to his sudden perceived animosity and disappearance, I attempted to send another message. It never showed as being delivered.
I never had a chance to tell him my own feelings, or hear his. I never had a chance to say goodbye.
What actually caused his behavior those last few days? I cannot say. I However, I DO have a theory. Based on conversations, it was evident Ryan had very little relationship experience, especially long-term relationship experience. While not a red flag to me at the time, in hindsight, it could explain his behavior with me; he simply hasn't learned how to handle a potential conflict of heart and mind. He loves the idea, the fantasy, but when it looks as if it could become reality, it’s difficult to take that step. I believe he realized he made a mistake, putting me on guard, the minute he asked for space to “reflect,” which told me he had doubts; I mentioned that to him. That, in turn, placed a few doubts in my own head, and I even commented to him that it was possibly time for me to do some reflection as well. I could tell he was NOT expecting me to suggest backing off, and it triggered a fear of abandonment. Instead of facing the fears he had, I believe his weekend “reflection” became “panic” and by Monday, he had come to the conclusion that something had suddenly broken that could not be fixed, and instead of discussing the matter, found it easier to erase me from existence. I don't believe this behavior was directed at me; it was his way of removing HIMSELF from things. It’s classic, avoidant behavior…out of sight, out of mind. I KNOW he had feelings, and cared; sometimes, the person is unable to face their own feelings, a way to resolve an issue, and out of fear, chooses flight instead of fight. I cannot do anything about that, but I do know that once you are in someone’s head, and heart, no amount of blocking on social media will remove those thoughts or feelings. A song will play that triggers a memory; perhaps, if he kept our text messages on his phone, he may scroll through them from time to time. The human heart is a peculiar thing; you never forget about someone entirely, especially when the connection was so strong, and the feelings so deep.
I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I’m heartbroken. And yes, I’m a little angry at the loss of
what could have been a bright, new chapter in both our lives. I didn’t do anything wrong...at least, not to my knowledge; I was never given a chance to hear his thoughts, understand his feelings. What if whatever the issue was, it could have been worked out? I feel like a decision was made for two lives by only one person. And that's not fair to either person. I definitely didn’t provoke such seemingly heartless
behavior from someone who clearly did have a huge, loving heart. I’m saddened our wonderful but painfully
short chapter ended so abruptly and with no valid explanation, reason, or
closure. I’m a closure kind of
person. I require it, in order to move
on. Ryan may still not realize that, without proper closure on both ends, it's like a heart-wound that festers and never heals over. I may not have been able to
control Ryan’s own actions, but I can certainly tell our story, what REALLY
happened, and consider this my closure.
I've also learned one thing over the years; a connection like the one Ryan and I shared comes along VERY rarely; it took both he and I YEARS to find someone so incredibly compatible, in every way. If he ever reached back out, I would welcome him back into my life without question. Well, maybe with an explanation and an apology, first. But, that's how strongly I feel about the connection we had.
Dear Ryan,
I know you had become a fan of my writing, and loved the simple honesty of my blog posts, in particular. If you ever read this, I need you to know a few things…
I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m sorry if I did anything, albeit unknowingly or unintentionally, to upset or anger you…but I’m also sorry you weren’t strong or courageous enough to reach out to me, as you had promised, to discuss your feelings and concerns like two adults who care about one another should. I DID love you, inasmuch as I was given the ability to. I would say the loss is all yours, but the truth is, that I lost, too…but Ryan, as upset as I am, in fairness to you, I want to thank you, too; I want to thank you for rousing feelings in me that I haven’t felt in years, for making me feel happy, loved, and hopeful. For those things, I will always be grateful. You were special.
With deep respect and love,
Jason
